i can't hear you in the dark.

[disguiser]

WHO? merlin (disguiser) & mordred (dread).
WHAT? set immediately after series 5, episode 9.

[ out of all of arthur's knights (and he has many), ser mordred is often thought of as the most loyal, but merlin knows better.

or — he thought he did.

the future is never set in stone, is what gaius had told him, and as much as merlin would desperately like to believe him, he's seen what becomes of arthur and of mordred's loyalty, a vision he can't scrub from his mind no matter how hard he tries. so despite everything, despite mordred proving himself time and time again to be a fierce and true ally of camelot, merlin cannot trust him.

he just. can't.

guinevere has been saved, recovered from the dark binds of morgana's magic, and where merlin should feel relief, he feels only worry. their return to camelot would take a day and a half's journey, and the four of them made camp shortly before night fell to rest, with arthur announcing that they'd pick up again at first light. they gathered around the campfire in silence, arthur sitting with gwen and modred taking his place by merlin's side.

and when mordred's hand brushed merlin's as he sat, igniting a ripple of electric heat through his fingers and arm, merlin cast him a long sideways glance and was greeted only with a soft, familiar smile.

merlin has never found a smile so alarming.

eventually, gwen and arthur retire for the night, curled up on a bedroll together, sleeping as soundly as they've ever slept. merlin chews anxiously at his lip and watches them for longer than he should, poking at the fire with a long branch before dropping it to smooth his palms down his thighs. ]

Why'd you come? [ the question is sudden and abrupt, almost accusatory in tone, and again, merlin shifts to glance at mordred. ] You shouldn't have.

Comments

[dread]

[ the day weighs heavily on his shoulders but mordred does not waver once the queen is truly herself again, quiet as they begin their return journey. for all of arthur's gracious words since he caught up with him and merlin, the praise and the king's hand squeezing his shoulder in a way that never fails to make his chest tight against a swelling heart — all potential joy is quelled by merlin's scoffing, the looks he can feel lingering on his back despite never being able to catch his gaze.

merlin had left him to die. and when he had opened his eyes to morgana's hand against his face, he was certain death would follow and his last thoughts would be merlin is safe.

but the way morgana's voice softens around his name is only an echo of who she used to be, something brittle and rotting under the weight of her hatred. the love she regards him with is watery and miserable and it hurts to see, aching with the memory of her crumpled form while he had protected merlin's name and fled to arthur's side again.

mordred has never seen merlin look at anyone else the way he looks at him. even when arthur fails to notice merlin protecting his heart and soul with an unresting vigilance and thanks him only with insult and easy disdain, merlin seems bright, as if he could ask for nothing more. merlin had regarded the dragon earlier with a calmness and spared animosity only for when mordred had tried to convince him to stay safe, grabbing him with a sudden panic. merlin looks at him like he's worse than unwelcome but he can never pin down the entirety of it because he never holds his gaze for long.

he does not break the silence after the king and queen step away to rest nor does he move away from merlin, watching the fire with a patient gaze. no emotion crosses his features once merlin does speak, glancing over at him without answering immediately. the fire throws uneven shadows across his face and he looks so distraught that mordred wishes, inanely, that he could truly comfort him. but he knows the question speaks just as much of his presence in camelot as his appearance on this journey.

looking back to the fire, he wonders exactly what it will take to get merlin to look at him the way he looks at everyone else. ]

It is my duty. [ he doesn't stress his last word or mention again how merlin had been unconscious when he had found him and the king, that merlin had left him after morgana's attack, that he had said nothing about how obvious merlin had been, with the aging spell.

he could expand on the truth, repeat what he told morgana, but he looks up to hold merlin's gaze daring him not to look away, his voice quiet. ] I promised I would keep your secret, Merlin. You treat me as if I've already betrayed you.